Monday, June 30, 2008

This 4th, Help Yael Ban Patriotism

The Star's very own Yael Abouhalkah wants fireworks banned, and he wants them banned now.

His top concerns aren't safety or damage to property as typically comes from the nanny-state crowd. Nope, his primary concerns about fireworks are that they are bad for the environment and they scare animals.
Cities are going the wrong way in allowing the use of fireworks on private property. Instead, cities ought to be banning the use of fireworks, especially by families.

-- Harm the environment.
-- Scare animals.

No one ever thought of these superb reasons for banning displays of patriotism. We're talking Mother Earth and Fido here, people.

Yael's convinced us. You won't be seeing us over at Crazy Harry's two large air conditioned warehouses or in the tent next to the big red X taking advantage of 5 for 1 specials. Nope, this year we'll be settling for environmentally sound and pet friendly tributes to those who fought and died defending freedom from tyranny. We'll find new ways to honor those who sought to create a more perfect union, one in which all men were created equal.

We'll do our best to try and forget that this nation was founded on principles of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness because, thanks to Yael, we now fully comprehend shooting off fireworks is bad for us, our property, the environment, and our pets and we're all just too stupid to safely handle such things. We understand that we must leave our celebrating up to the corporate sponsors of large public Fourth of July displays.

Thank you, Yael, for once again allowing us to partake of your divine benevolence.


Nick Sloan said...

You know – I think it would be easier to make of list of things Yael doesn't want banned.

I'll start: big government

Space Cadet 'R' said...

Eventually, the entire universe is going to collapse into a singularity, the nodal point of which will be the cavernous void between Yael's legs.